2023-08-17
One day I’m certain what I want to do.
everything is clear
I know the steps
And the destination.
Yeah, I want to be there.
I take action towards it.
But a moment, day, or even a week later.
I’m back to uncertainty.
Questioning everything.
Will this work?
Even if it works. is it good?
Do I even want it?
What do I want
Do I even want anything?
Who am I?
Questions and Doubts that leave me paralyzed.
There is no destination now.
No steps or actions to take.
Until I find my answers.
My mind goes crazy.
I start to look for answers.
Listening to what other humans said before.
Philosophers, Wise people (at least how they present themselves)
Or any random person on the internet who claims to have an answer.
Everything is conflicting.
Every idea makes sense by itself.
But it contradicts the other one.
Leaving me more paralyzed, physically and mentally.
Leaving me lost.
Then I figure out that there wasn’t an answer for me out there.
Or at least I haven’t found it.
So I make my own half-answer.
To escape maybe.
Feeling lost and paralyzed is not fun,
Long periods of inaction lead me to a bad place.
I need to get moving.
I’m still hearing the conflicting voices of the so-called \“Wise\“
Some agree with me.
Some not.
But why would I care?
It’s me who’s living it after all
Maybe I got it right this time
Maybe I got it right every time
Maybe I will never get it right
And Maybe there is no right or wrong.
Maybe someday I’ll know.
Maybe no one will ever know.
( Thousands more questions go through my head )
It’s always the same cycle.
alternating between certainty and uncertainty.
Will it be over someday?
or it will go on forever.
Never-ending cycle.
Never finding a certain answer.
This last idea is strangely relieving for me.
That it will never be over.
There is no final answer.
Only constant change.
Maybe now I can focus on living.
Rather than being paralyzed in my place waiting for an answer.
Maybe the answer is moving, and being still is a guarantee to never get it.
Maybe my movement will define the answer.
And Maybe the answer doesn’t matter at all.
Embracing doubts and uncertainty seems to attract an interesting life.
A life with defined answers is a boring life.
Like a spoiled movie.
Doubts and uncertainty lead to an interesting vivid life full of adventure and excitement.
But it takes courage to live in doubt.
not knowing where you’re going, or how it’s going to play out.
The mind likes comfort and predictability.
But predictability kills the soul and heart,
fading away the colors and music of life.
It takes courage to step into the unknown and embrace it.
And it’s worth it.
(PICTURE HERE, I’ll upload it later)
17yo me skipping school to climb a mountain alone. (Toubkal 2018)